Book 10, 2015
Feb. 1st, 2015 07:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chez_jaeThis evening, I finished reading Real Vamps Don't Drink O-Neg by Tawny Taylor. I have no idea what the title meant in reference to the story, and the book was an absolute train wreck in any case.
The premise was interesting. Sophie Hahn works for a paranormal researcher, even though she, herself, does not believe in things that go bump in the night. Her best friend Dao is a writer and is newlywed, and Sophie is alarmed at his failing health. When she goes to check on him, she discovers an odd scale in the house, which she then shows to her boss. Sophie's boss is convinced that Dao's new wife is a lamia (a sort of female vamp) and that she's draining the life out of Dao.
Now, there's a blurb on the back cover of the book, a review from another author, who writes: "Hilarious, wacky, and a pure hoot..."
...
O.o
Were we even reading the same book?! I guess if REPEATED SEXUAL ASSAULT is your idea of wacky and hilarious, then yes, you may have found this book to be a pure hoot.
Dao's wife convinces Sophie to spend the night in their spare bedroom, so that she can take Dao to a doctor appointment in the morning. Why his wife couldn't take him, I have no idea, but whatever. So, during the night, Sophie is assaulted by a male vampire. I will say there was no actual PIV rape, but Sophie was shoved, hit, tied up, had her clothing torn off, was groped and then bitten. Hilarious!
:/
Convinced now that vampires are real, Sophie goes to the library to research some relics that her boss thinks may help her to defeat the evil Lisse. At the library, Sophie runs into (like, literally) hunky Professor Ric Vogel. Seems Ric is researching the same things that Sophie is. Because Ric is a vampire, too, only a different kind of vampire. Wacky!
Sophie's girlie parts tingle for Ric, and the two of them go on a quest to find the relics: Sophie, to save Dao, and Ric, to save his entire race of people from the agonies of the Second Death. What is the Second Death, you ask? You tell me, because the author never really explained it in any detail. In fact, I spent a good part of the book wondering if I'd missed the first book in the series. It was a pure hoot!
On the way, Ric and Sophie, who are utterly incapable of keeping their hands off of one another, stop for some hanky panky in a convenient field. Yes, this really happened. The sex is consensual and enjoyable, but then Ric bites Sophie without asking her first, so as to save her from the other vampire. When they reach their hotel, they have separate rooms, which was rather wacky, considering they'd already bumped fuzzies. Of course, had Ric been staying in the same room, he would have been able to prevent the other vampire from accosting Sophie once more. This time, he didn't abuse her, but he made threats, told her Ric was a lying liar who lies, and insisted that Sophie needed to choose between them. Sophie is all conflicted by this, because choosing between someone who BEAT YOU, TIED YOU UP AND TORE YOUR CLOTHES OFF WHILE YOU CRIED FOR MERCY and someone whom you had mind-blowing, consensual sex with is such a hard decision, yo.
What other wacky things happened? Oh yes! Ric and the other vampire, Julian, had a tense face-off, in which Julian said things that caused Sophie to doubt Ric. Not that Ric didn't deserve it, but still. Um, they met up with another librarian, who turned out to be another lamia, Ric and Sophie got it on in their hotel room again (never mind there were lives to save), and Julian appeared and tried to kill Ric, although he claimed there was another man in the room and that was whom he was trying to stab in the back, yeah. We learn that the Guardian of the relics is actually a dragon, who lives in suburbia with his wife and children and, like, a dozen dogs (who turned out to not be dogs, but let's not bog this narrative down any more), and then Ric's brother Barrett shows up on the scene. Wacky!
Fast forward to Ric, Barrett and Sophie attempting to break into the Guardian's home to steal the relics. It was a trap, of course. Barrett double-crossed his own brother (for allegedly noble purposes), while in the meantime, Sophie is being torn apart by vicious dogs somewhere outside the house. Next scene: Ric is naked, tied up in the basement, while the other female lamia sexually assaults him, although again, no PIV. It was a pure hoot!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...wait, in a bedroom upstairs, Julian is trying to convince Sophie to do the nasty with him, because Ric is a lying liar who lies and must be stopped at all costs, and the only way to do it is by having sex. Apparently, her injuries have magically healed, because no further mention was made of them. Sophie reluctantly allows Julian to grope and lick and caress her, because sexual assault is so hilarious!
Finally, Ric and Sophie both decide that they can't go through with having icky sex with someone else. Barrett releases Ric and tries to explain that he couldn't let Ric get hold of the relics and wipe out an entire race by giving the relics to some magician that we somehow knew about all along...? I don't know. Why Barrett couldn't explain this back at the hotel, instead of setting his brother up to fall is a mystery to me. Ric makes his escape and finds Sophie, and when he busts in on Julian trying to get all up in her business, Sophie is all, "I love you and only you, Ric!" and so Julian simply shrugs his shoulders and gives up on his pursuit of her. Julian even gives them a clue: "Check the shed". Wacky!
So, off to the shed go ourinsipidintrepid pair. They find the relics, the Guardian allows them to leave because, you know, he can't attack anyone who's holding one of them. Now, Ric and Sophie are racing back home to save Dao. But, of course, they stop for some nookie first. Sophie grabs the first chance to leave Ric sleeping so she can save Dao herself. Because she's afraid for Ric. The vampire. Of course, Ric catches up to her before she arrives at Dao's, and they agree to defeat Lisse together or die trying.
Dao is so far gone, he doesn't even remember Sophie. The spear relic has no affect on Lisse, because, as she quite stupidly explains, it must be wielded by a newborn Immortal. She then attacks Ric, slicing him open, and Sophie, who gets queasy at the sight of blood, laps up some of his blood, thus enabling her to kill Lisse. Hooray!
Dao is immediately released from the hold Lisse had over him, but instead of being all like, "Wah, Sophie, why did you just murder my loving wife?!", he races off to his computer to heed the call of the rabid plot bunny that has just seized him, based on what he's just learned about vampires. It was a pure hoot!
If you've read this far, I feel sorry for you. But wait, there's more. Not more of the story, really, just more of my complaints about it. So much was left unresolved: Julian claimed he was never in the room, nor tried to kill Ric. Sophie believed him, but we never learned the truth. We never learned what really constitutes the Second Death for Ric's particular race of vampires. We do not know what became of Barrett, nor the Guardian, nor the other lamia. Supposedly, Lisse was her sister. Wouldn't she want revenge? What of the relics? What of the mysterious magician behind the scenes? Oh, and let's not forget the constant switching of point of view between Ric and Sophie. It made my head hurt.
In short, this book was frustrating and disappointing. If the author was going for light fluff, she ruined it with the dark, edgy parts. If she wanted to go with dark and edgy, she shouldn't have tried to sugar coat it in fluff. Wacky.
This gets one star, and it is begrudgingly given:
★
The premise was interesting. Sophie Hahn works for a paranormal researcher, even though she, herself, does not believe in things that go bump in the night. Her best friend Dao is a writer and is newlywed, and Sophie is alarmed at his failing health. When she goes to check on him, she discovers an odd scale in the house, which she then shows to her boss. Sophie's boss is convinced that Dao's new wife is a lamia (a sort of female vamp) and that she's draining the life out of Dao.
Now, there's a blurb on the back cover of the book, a review from another author, who writes: "Hilarious, wacky, and a pure hoot..."
...
O.o
Were we even reading the same book?! I guess if REPEATED SEXUAL ASSAULT is your idea of wacky and hilarious, then yes, you may have found this book to be a pure hoot.
Dao's wife convinces Sophie to spend the night in their spare bedroom, so that she can take Dao to a doctor appointment in the morning. Why his wife couldn't take him, I have no idea, but whatever. So, during the night, Sophie is assaulted by a male vampire. I will say there was no actual PIV rape, but Sophie was shoved, hit, tied up, had her clothing torn off, was groped and then bitten. Hilarious!
:/
Convinced now that vampires are real, Sophie goes to the library to research some relics that her boss thinks may help her to defeat the evil Lisse. At the library, Sophie runs into (like, literally) hunky Professor Ric Vogel. Seems Ric is researching the same things that Sophie is. Because Ric is a vampire, too, only a different kind of vampire. Wacky!
Sophie's girlie parts tingle for Ric, and the two of them go on a quest to find the relics: Sophie, to save Dao, and Ric, to save his entire race of people from the agonies of the Second Death. What is the Second Death, you ask? You tell me, because the author never really explained it in any detail. In fact, I spent a good part of the book wondering if I'd missed the first book in the series. It was a pure hoot!
On the way, Ric and Sophie, who are utterly incapable of keeping their hands off of one another, stop for some hanky panky in a convenient field. Yes, this really happened. The sex is consensual and enjoyable, but then Ric bites Sophie without asking her first, so as to save her from the other vampire. When they reach their hotel, they have separate rooms, which was rather wacky, considering they'd already bumped fuzzies. Of course, had Ric been staying in the same room, he would have been able to prevent the other vampire from accosting Sophie once more. This time, he didn't abuse her, but he made threats, told her Ric was a lying liar who lies, and insisted that Sophie needed to choose between them. Sophie is all conflicted by this, because choosing between someone who BEAT YOU, TIED YOU UP AND TORE YOUR CLOTHES OFF WHILE YOU CRIED FOR MERCY and someone whom you had mind-blowing, consensual sex with is such a hard decision, yo.
What other wacky things happened? Oh yes! Ric and the other vampire, Julian, had a tense face-off, in which Julian said things that caused Sophie to doubt Ric. Not that Ric didn't deserve it, but still. Um, they met up with another librarian, who turned out to be another lamia, Ric and Sophie got it on in their hotel room again (never mind there were lives to save), and Julian appeared and tried to kill Ric, although he claimed there was another man in the room and that was whom he was trying to stab in the back, yeah. We learn that the Guardian of the relics is actually a dragon, who lives in suburbia with his wife and children and, like, a dozen dogs (who turned out to not be dogs, but let's not bog this narrative down any more), and then Ric's brother Barrett shows up on the scene. Wacky!
Fast forward to Ric, Barrett and Sophie attempting to break into the Guardian's home to steal the relics. It was a trap, of course. Barrett double-crossed his own brother (for allegedly noble purposes), while in the meantime, Sophie is being torn apart by vicious dogs somewhere outside the house. Next scene: Ric is naked, tied up in the basement, while the other female lamia sexually assaults him, although again, no PIV. It was a pure hoot!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...wait, in a bedroom upstairs, Julian is trying to convince Sophie to do the nasty with him, because Ric is a lying liar who lies and must be stopped at all costs, and the only way to do it is by having sex. Apparently, her injuries have magically healed, because no further mention was made of them. Sophie reluctantly allows Julian to grope and lick and caress her, because sexual assault is so hilarious!
Finally, Ric and Sophie both decide that they can't go through with having icky sex with someone else. Barrett releases Ric and tries to explain that he couldn't let Ric get hold of the relics and wipe out an entire race by giving the relics to some magician that we somehow knew about all along...? I don't know. Why Barrett couldn't explain this back at the hotel, instead of setting his brother up to fall is a mystery to me. Ric makes his escape and finds Sophie, and when he busts in on Julian trying to get all up in her business, Sophie is all, "I love you and only you, Ric!" and so Julian simply shrugs his shoulders and gives up on his pursuit of her. Julian even gives them a clue: "Check the shed". Wacky!
So, off to the shed go our
Dao is so far gone, he doesn't even remember Sophie. The spear relic has no affect on Lisse, because, as she quite stupidly explains, it must be wielded by a newborn Immortal. She then attacks Ric, slicing him open, and Sophie, who gets queasy at the sight of blood, laps up some of his blood, thus enabling her to kill Lisse. Hooray!
Dao is immediately released from the hold Lisse had over him, but instead of being all like, "Wah, Sophie, why did you just murder my loving wife?!", he races off to his computer to heed the call of the rabid plot bunny that has just seized him, based on what he's just learned about vampires. It was a pure hoot!
If you've read this far, I feel sorry for you. But wait, there's more. Not more of the story, really, just more of my complaints about it. So much was left unresolved: Julian claimed he was never in the room, nor tried to kill Ric. Sophie believed him, but we never learned the truth. We never learned what really constitutes the Second Death for Ric's particular race of vampires. We do not know what became of Barrett, nor the Guardian, nor the other lamia. Supposedly, Lisse was her sister. Wouldn't she want revenge? What of the relics? What of the mysterious magician behind the scenes? Oh, and let's not forget the constant switching of point of view between Ric and Sophie. It made my head hurt.
In short, this book was frustrating and disappointing. If the author was going for light fluff, she ruined it with the dark, edgy parts. If she wanted to go with dark and edgy, she shouldn't have tried to sugar coat it in fluff. Wacky.
This gets one star, and it is begrudgingly given:
★
